Jesus Christ Vampire

I have a somewhat plausible way that Jesus could come back from the dead. I thought about the many ways he could come back from the dead and be seen by his still living disciples and his fellow followers.
At first I thought he could be a zombie. An animated corpse could be seen by everyone and only in the Gospel of Matthew was their a reference to a zombie horde coming out of their graves and marching on Jerusalem at Jesus’s crucifying. So it would be at least plausible that the same force that animated these corpses could do the same for Jesus three days later. But remember Jews do not use any kind of preservation of the body and after three days of death the stench of putrefaction would be very evident even to the dullest sense of smell. And yet there is no reference to a smelly or dull witted zombie Jesus in the New Testament. So no help their.
My second guess would be some kind of ghost. A ghost would be able to pass right through his tomb door and move about quite freely and could be seen if he wanted to. There is even a gospel where Jesus walked through a shut door at a house where his disciple were having a meeting. Other times he would just appear out of nowhere to talk to one of his followers. But also in that section where walks through a shut door he seen eating a fish and another disciple pokes his finger into one of his wounds to prove his solidity. So no help their, either.
So I am left with only one conclusion. That conclusion is that Jesus Christ was a vampire. Look, of all of the previous scenarios and their refutations, this could be the one that works. A vampire could have come to Jesus at anytime during his near death and in the process of feeding could have turned Jesus into a vampire. A vampiric Jesus could be seen and would have the strength to roll away his gravestone and could, with his vampire abilities, walk through a shut door in mist form and could eat food but derive no nutrition from it and use his innate mesmeric powers to make his disciples see what he wanted them to see. Then I could understand the symbolic blood drinking and flesh eating as coming from an immortal vampire Jesus working from behind the scenes of early Christian history reflect his new undead status secretly.
Or even a more plausible scenario is that the biblical narrative was made up by people who lived decades after the events occurred and outside of the country that the events occurred in order to make their guy more than human, and make him into a legend.